Here are a few stories about how Nonviolent Communication helps me to connect with my child and resolve our conflicts peacefully.

Imagine this: your 3-year-old just got a train station for his birthday, supplement to his brand new wooden railroad. If you want to be at work on time, you should be ready to leave in 10 minutes. When you mention this to your child, he throws a tantrum.  Familiar?  I do hope I’m not the only parent dealing with this kind of situations.

Well, I could already see myself dragging my screaming son to the car, into the car seat and driving him to the kindergarten. Ouch! So, I left the room for a small session of self-pity, but was back surprisingly soon (these 4 years of NVC practice come in handy at times).

-          “So, you want to build an entire railroad set?” – I asked my son calmly.

-          “Yes!” – said Jasiek through tears and gave me a hopeful gaze.

-          “Exactly like the one in the picture here?”

-          “Yes!”

-          “I would like it too.” – I said truthfully and saw that I had his full attention now. I continued: “I really like building railroads with you and in the same time I need to go to work now and so does Daddy. With nanny busy with your baby sister, no one is able to play with you now.”
I gave him a moment to digest the bad news, before I went on: “But I’ve got an idea. Would you like to hear it?”

-          “Yes.” – he was all ears and I had a few ideas, but picked just one:

-          “How about you take your set to the kindergarten and set it up there?”
Jasiek looked away for a while, apparently thinking about it.

-          “Yes” – he said finally.
And in no time he was running around the flat getting ready for the kindergarten. He was all dressed up by the door in virtually 5 minutes. It was like magic had happened. Well, I guess it did.

On children who do not talk yet.

I remember this dear diary moment one evening, when Jasiek was about 18 months old. He was so involved in play that he missed his bedtime. When he run out of energy, he went straight from laughter into intense hysteria with tears. “You are tired, try to lie down” – I tried to convince him repeating it several times, but he seemed not to hear me. Finally, desperate, I tried with a question: “Are you confused and scared, because you don’t know what is happening to you?”. Suddenly he stopped and looked at me. “It’s because you’re tired! Try to lie down and you will feel better”. Immediately he lied down next to me and only wailed silently at couple of times, before falling sound asleep.

On how to involve family members who do not know NVC and are not really interested to learn.

My husband’s grandma has an amazing capacity to say things which trigger me. I tried to speak to her about it, but all I achieved was her getting offended. Amazingly, I can’t give up trying to change others, despite it never worked.

This time it was when Jasiek was on my in-laws kitchen floor all in tears, because I wouldn’t let him have more marmalade. “You are making us so sad, when you cry!” – she said with a worried look, as she entered the kitchen. I decided to focus on my son: “Grandma is worried, because she would like to help you and she doesn’t know how”. “Yes, I’d like to help you.” – confirmed grandma to my surprise. I gave her empathy! – I thought to myself in astonishment, as I felt sudden connection with grandma. I’ll keep trying.

On unconditional love

Remember Armageddon? This is how the world must have looked like to Jasiek last Friday. First we went to visit his cousin. He was very much looking forward to it, but we had to turn back at the very door, because Marcel fell asleep. Jasiek was very disappointed and cried for as long as I could be there for him (which was not too long, given his baby sister on my hip and a bulky backpack and a handbag I was carrying). Then we went to a supermarket, where my son really wanted two boxes of cottage cheese. I was concerned that he wouldn’t eat both and the cheese would go to waste. I listened to how much he wanted to have enough cheese (not without tension– remember the baby, the backpack, the handbag?) and the only thing I came up with was to get him the second box once he ate the first one. It took quite a while and a final moment of choice at the checkout for my son to understand that he will not leave the store with two boxes of cheese. Finally, as we were leaving the store he took one of three bread rolls he chose for himself and noticed an imperfection. I stopped him as he went to exchange it and finally we left the store, my son sobbing loudly. I took him in my arms, proving again that a mother can always do more, and carried the entire set of children, shopping and luggage home. As we were approaching our block of flats a friendly gentlemen offered his help with my shopping and expressed his astonishment with my nerves. ”It’s simple”, I said truthfully, “I don’t take it personally and I try to see the whole thing from his perspective.”
So, this is how unconditional love feels like, I thought later at home, as I was holding Jasiek in my arms for just as long as he needed to cry all his tears. I like to feel this way.

Agnieszka Rzewuska-Paca, Warsaw, Poland

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